Oddly, this is how I feel about the Girl Scouts and those damn cookies. Let's be honest - none of us WANT the cookies. We do it for the kids and we are supporting a good cause, I think (I have no idea). But, am I the only one who feels like I can't walk into my local supermarket without being jumped by these little girls in green berets and brown uniforms? Who among us, having spotted the gaggle of badge be-speckled girls stationed at the door of Whole Foods, hasn't paused, hesitated, maybe even altered their path of ingress to their favorite local market in hopes of avoiding the familiar 6-foot table piled atop with a wall of colored boxes, surrounded by parents in fold-up chairs desperately trying to make eye contact with you in hopes of subliminally guilting you into buying a delicious box of butter laden sugar coated chocolate peanut butter mint coconut sugar from their daughter.
I don't want to outright say "No" to them. That just seems so... wrong. So, I avoid them. I'll sit in the car, whip out my binoculars and wait for a hole in the defense. Then, when the time is right, I make my move. I push a discarded shopping cart down a row of cars trying to park. When I hear the crash and the ensuing commotion, it's go time. I bob and weave. I use other shoppers to pick 'n roll into the store unseen. I go ninja-style, right behind their backs when they are talking to other people. Occasionally, if one of them does see me, I'll quickly grab my phone and I'll pull the old I'm On The Phone and I Can't Talk To You Now trick. I've even been known to use the employee entrance, as well. But, occasionally, after scoping out the situation from inside my car, I just call an audible and, in the back of my head, I say to myself, "I can get bacon later." So, I leave only to return later to a new, fresh breed of girl-cheetahs and parent-wolves who look at me like I'm a gazelle with a broken foot. And, now they know my weakness and they've devised a secret weapon. No, not the unbelievably adorable girl with the pigtails, puppy dog eyes and dimples. It's the "Hottie Mom", the MILF. You know, Halle, Jada, Brooke Burke, types... I mean, if Angelina pushed her 19 kids out of the way and steps up to me to whisper "Hi handsome. I've been out here all day and we only need to sell 5 more boxes so I can go drop my daughter off at my EX HUSBAND's house and then I can go back to my empty home, which is nearby, to do some light naked yoga before I open a bottle of wine and slip into something more comfortable", you know I'd buy some damn cookies. I was a Boy Scout and I just want to do what's right!! I'd succumb and buy 45 boxes - everything from Tagalongs to Trefoils to Thin Mints, and the new flavor last year, Savannah Smiles (porn-name?).
|Hottie Mom - Savannah Smiles????|
That's right, I'm 46, standing on the corner in sweatpants with a roll of singles in my pocket, waiting for little girls to show up, in their little skirts, to offer them a few singles for their goodies. And, that's how I got arrested.
NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE:
According to the Girl Scouts of the USA, Thin Mints is the favorite GS cookie, closely followed by Samoas®/Caramel deLites, then it's Peanut Butter Patties®/Tagalongs®, Peanut Butter Sandwich/Do-si-dos™. Here is the cookie list for 2013. Not all cookies are available in all areas... it's usually limited to just 8 types in an area.