Tuesday, February 19, 2013

That's How I Got Arrested

Back in the late 70's, there was a New York-based anti-crime activist group called the Guardian Angels.  And, if you rode the subways, their presence was unmistakable.  They traveled in groups and wore red berets, red satin jackets, and had these white logo'd T-shirts.  They were everywhere. You either loved them or you hated them. And, the truth is, if you didn't know who they were, and you saw them coming toward you, you'd have thought you had stepped in the middle of a street fight between Danny Zucco's T-Birds and Leo Balmudo's Scorpions (that's a 1978 Grease reference, folks).  You'd kinda think twice about getting on the train with them. They were a menacing sight to the unknowing.

Oddly, this is how I feel about the Girl Scouts and those damn cookies.  Let's be honest - none of us WANT the cookies.  We do it for the kids and we are supporting a good cause, I think (I have no idea).  But, am I the only one who feels like I can't walk into my local supermarket without being jumped by these little girls in green berets and brown uniforms?  Who among us, having spotted the gaggle of badge be-speckled girls stationed at the door of Whole Foods, hasn't paused, hesitated, maybe even altered their path of ingress to their favorite local market in hopes of avoiding the familiar 6-foot table piled atop with a wall of colored boxes, surrounded by parents in fold-up chairs desperately trying to make eye contact with you in hopes of subliminally guilting you into buying a delicious box of butter laden sugar coated chocolate peanut butter mint coconut sugar from their daughter.  

I don't want to outright say "No" to them.  That just seems so... wrong.  So, I avoid them.  I'll sit in the car, whip out my binoculars and wait for a hole in the defense.  Then, when the time is right, I make my move.  I push a discarded shopping cart down a row of cars trying to park.  When I hear the crash and the ensuing commotion, it's go time.  I bob and weave.  I use other shoppers to pick 'n roll into the store unseen.  I go ninja-style, right behind their backs when they are talking to other people.  Occasionally, if one of them does see me, I'll quickly grab my phone and I'll pull the old I'm On The Phone and I Can't Talk To You Now trick.  I've even been known to use the employee entrance, as well.   But, occasionally, after scoping out the situation from inside my car, I just call an audible and, in the back of my head, I say to myself, "I can get bacon later."  So, I leave only to return later to a new, fresh breed of girl-cheetahs and parent-wolves who look at me like I'm a gazelle with a broken foot.  And, now they know my weakness and they've devised a secret weapon.  No, not the unbelievably adorable girl with the pigtails, puppy dog eyes and dimples.  It's the "Hottie Mom", the MILF.  You know, Halle, Jada, Brooke Burke, types...  I mean, if Angelina pushed her 19 kids out of the way and steps up to me to whisper "Hi handsome.  I've been out here all day and we only need to sell 5 more boxes so I can go drop my daughter off at my EX HUSBAND's house and then I can go back to my empty home, which is nearby, to do some light naked yoga before I open a bottle of wine and slip into something more comfortable", you know I'd buy some damn cookies.  I was a Boy Scout and I just want to do what's right!!  I'd succumb and buy 45 boxes - everything from Tagalongs to Trefoils to Thin Mints, and the new flavor last year, Savannah Smiles (porn-name?).  


Hottie Mom - Savannah Smiles????

My living room

For the weeks after the purchase, I keep one box in the car at all times, just in case I need to go back to the store.  I use it like a cop uses his badge on another cop when he's trying to get out of a ticket.  "Hey pal, I've got one of these", pulling out the box to show to the parents and girl-cheetahs. "Ya' think I can get a pass on this one?  I'm one of you."  Boom... I get the  friendly "you may pass" nod and I can enter the store unencumbered. 

But, then the day comes... I'm hooked on the cookies like Charlie Sheen on tiger blood.  I need a fix bad but I've exhausted my stash.  I'm jonesing, man. I go out late at night and walk the streets to see if my girls are there.  But, I can't find them (probably at home watching Barney, or Dora or whatever kids are watching these days). So, my plan is to go wait for them at the market early the next day...   

That's right, I'm 46, standing on the corner in sweatpants with a roll of singles in my pocket, waiting for little girls to show up, in their little skirts, to offer them a few singles for their goodies.  And, that's how I got arrested.  

But, that was after nine 12-year old girls kicked the living shit out of me.  Even Angelina got in a good kick.  Where the fuck were my Guardian Angels??  

I got home from my arraignment (and a brief hospital stay) and my wife had bought 7 boxes from her co-worker's daughter.  In hindsight, that was much easier.  

According to the Girl Scouts of the USA, Thin Mints is the favorite GS cookie, closely followed by Samoas®/Caramel deLites, then it's Peanut Butter Patties®/Tagalongs®, Peanut Butter Sandwich/Do-si-dos™.  Here is the cookie list for 2013.  Not all cookies are available in all areas... it's usually limited to just 8 types in an area.
Do-Si-Dos™ - Peanut Butter Sandwiches - (peanut butter cookie with peanut butter filling) - 20 cookies* per 8 ounce box.
Dulce de Leche - (made with milk caramel chips) - 15 cookies* per 6 ounce box.
Lemonades™ (shortbread cookie with a tangy lemon icing) - 16 cookies* per 8.5 ounce box.
Mango Crèmes with NutriFusion™ - (vanilla and coconut cookies filled with a tangy mango-flavored creme enhanced with nutrients derived from fruits) - apprx. 21 cookies per box.
Samoas® - Caramel deLites™ (vanilla cookies covered with caramel on top and bottom then rolled in coconut and striped with chocolate) - 15 cookies* per 7 ounce box.
Savannah Smiles™ (crisp, zesty lemon cookies named in honor of the 100th anniversary of Girl Scouting) - 25 cookies per __ ounce box.
Shout Outs!™ (Light and crisp, Belgian-style caramelized cookies) - 40 cookies* per 9 ounce box.
Tagalongs® - Peanut Butter Patties® (Regular cookie with soft Peanut Butter and coated with chocolate) - 15 cookies* per 7 ounce box.
Thanks-A-Lot™ used to be known as Animal Treasures and All Abouts (all same type shortbread cookie with chocolate on the bottom) - 16* per 8.5 ounce box
Thank U Berry Munch (A cookie made with premium cranberries and white fudge chips.) - 14 cookies per 6.17 ounce box.
Thin Mints (thin chocolate-peppermint cookie coated in chocolate) - 32 cookies* in an 10 ounce box.
Trefoils - a.k.a. Shortbread - (a shortbread cookie) - 44 cookies* per 10 ounce box.
Café Cookies (crispy cinnamon cookie caramelized with brown sugar) - 45 cookies per 10 ounce box. (No longer available.)
Cartwheels (a reduced fat cinnamon-oatmeal cookie.) - 30 cookies* per 7 ounce box. (No longer available.)
Cinna-Spins™ (crispy cinnamon snack swirls that come in 100 calorie packs.) - five .85oz. packs with net weight of 4.25oz.
Daisy Go Rounds - (small reduced fat cinnamon cookies) - 5 individual serving sacks in 4.2 ounce box
Double Dutch (chocolate - Chocolate Chip) - 17 cookies* per 7 ounce box. (No longer available.)
Ice Berry Piñatas (reminds me of raspberry-filled Danish) 14 cookies* per 7 ounce box. (No longer available.)
Lemon Coolers (powdered sugar-covered cookies with lemon chips in the inside) - 33 cookies* per 7 ounce box. (No longer available.)
Lemon Chalet Cremes™ (rectangular cinnamon-ginger lemon-filled cookies) - 14 cookies* per 8 ounce box.
Lemon Pastry Cremes (low fat) (lemon sandwich cookie with lemon filling) - 16 cookies* per 7 ounce box. (No longer available.)
Reduced Fat Daisy Go Rounds™ (crispy cinnamon cookies) - 5 servings* per 4.2 ounce box.
Sugar-Free Chocolate Chips (chocolate chip cookies) - 15 cookies* per 5.5 ounce box.
Sugar Free Little Brownies™ (chewy chocolate cookies with chocolate chips in them) - 20 cookies* per 5.5 ounce box. (No longer available). 


  1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfsZHJEkilQ

    1. HA!!! Ryan Gosling is... Santa Scout! Rated PG, coming Christmas Day 2013. It's not about if you've been good or bad... he just wants to get rid of the fucking cookies.